Mainly, we care about what you do when nobody is looking, we care who you dare to love,
we care what you believe, and we care what you think. That's why we work so hard to
make sure you OBEY. In order to have a peaceful, harmonious society, it's important we
all agree on a few basics:
GUNS. Everyone needs guns, unless they are too brown. Guns were invented by Jesus
Christ and would be a holy sacrament if they had not been erased from the Bible
by liberal Catholic priests in the 4th century. Guns are the answer to literally
all of society's problems, and it's very important that we do not forget that.
RELIGION. Only Christians (preferably Protestant, but hey this is the NEW GOP and we won't
be too picky) have religious freedom. We need a return to the basics: burning
heretics at the stake, for example.
EQUALITY. Women and Minorities should know their place. Republicans believe that white men know
what's best for the country, and they should get to make the important decisions.
We'd never use the N word when the cameras are on, though, because we care.
ECONOMY. Poor people don't deserve nice things. We think that poor people should struggle,
because struggling makes people strong, and strong people are too busy keeping
their lives from falling apart to bother us in elections. Poor people should not
get free food or medical care because being poor is a choice -- a bad choice that
should be punished.